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The idiot's handbook of Love & Sex

Welcome to the Idiot's handbook of Love & Sex. Here are a few tips that could be useful. Don't take everything too serious!

Checklist of signal women use, and their meanings

She wants you if...

1. She talks to you, touches you or pinches your bottom, etc...
2. She keeps feeling her own body, stroking her legs and waist gently while looking at you.
3. She makes a habit of showing you her tongue gently wetting her lips.
4. She begins to show more of her body, legs etc. than she needs to.

She doesn't want you if...

1. She keeps frowning at you, whilst showing you the nails on her first two fingers.
2. If she tries to avoid you, by hiding in the loo, or just leaving quietly.
3. If she calls her boyfriend, and asks him to beat the hell out of you for harassing her.

The chat up lines

The following chat up lines are for those of you who would prefer not to bore your victim into submission by long winded stories, but rather go for the quick snappy lines which leave her wanting more.

"How would you like your eggs? ...Fertilised?"

"I am very sexy, rich and extremely handsome....and what's your excuse for being so irrestable?"

"I really like you in that dress with all the sparkly bits, I like your hair,I like your eyes. Now can I touch your tits?"

"I've been watching you for ages and I think you are really sweet. As long as I have got a face, you'll always have a seat."

"How about coming up to my place for a spot of heavy breathing?"

Boy: "Is it true that women say no when they mean yes, and say yes when they mean no?"
Girl: "Yes/No"
Boy: "I thought so, now can I buy you a drink?"
Girl: "Yes/No"
Boy: "Good, what would you like to have?"

"If you take my heart by surprise, don't you think the rest of my body has a right to follow?"

Boy: Only fools, absolute morons and idiots would respond by saying no to this question: "Can I buy you a drink?"
Girl: No
Boy: Only fools, absolute morons and idiots would say no to the following question: "Will you go out with me?"
Girl: No
Boy: I gave you two chances and you still gave yourself away!
[Then walk away and watch her follow you.]

Falling in love

Signs of falling in love:

1. Life continues, but in slow motion, the lovers flowing in the air and seeing everything from a completely different and wierd angle.
2. The brain leaves on an extended holiday.
3. The mouth adopts a constant smile.
4. The legs become wobbly due to lack of blood circulation, being needed else where.
5. The blank glare of the eyes show that though the lights are on, no one is at home.
6. Finally the shape of the body changes. Fats round the waist disappear inside, allowing other parts to project out further.

What makes Men & Women fall in love

Women:

A man's potential, intelligence, sense of humour, strength, sensitivity, and personality.

Men:

A woman's looks, hair, legs, breasts, lips, waiste, eyes and sex appeal.

Is sex out of the question?

If you want to know if a women wants to have sex with you, look out for the following hints:

She will if....

1. She mentions money
2. She mentions your small bottom, and how it turns her on
3. She invites you back to her place for a coffee, whilst touching your legs
4. She mentions she doesn't wear underwear

She won't if she...

1. Talks about marriage
2. Honeymoons
3. Wedding dresses
4. Love

Romantic Gestures

• Wake her up before making love.
• Get her name right specially during sex.
• Surprise her by occasionally being a little more considerate.

Size isn't everything

How do you tell if she is still a virgin?

You ask her...

If she says 'yes', then she isn't a virgin.
If she says 'no' then she must be.

When she says...she means...

When she says:

"Not tonight darling, I have a headache"

She means:

"We either both enjoy making love, or you are not getting it anymore"

When she says:

"Lets go somewhere quiet"

She means:

"Just because I am desperate, doesn't mean I wamt anyone else seeing me with you"

When she says:

"He is not my type"

She means:

"I don't think the bastard fancies me"

When she says:

"I trust you"

She means:

"You fool with me, and I'll kill you"

When she says:

"Isn't that a lovely baby?"

She means:

"I want to have your baby"

When she says:

"I love you too much as a friend"

She means:

"Just because I talk to you, doesn't mean, I want to sleep with you"

When she says:

"He's got a lovely personality"

She means:

"He's a nice guy, but boy is he ugly"

When she says:

"I wish I could cuddle you all night"

She means:

"I wish you didn't have such a short fuse, and that lovemaking lasted a little longer than thirty seconds"

When she says:

"My period is late"

She means:

"Let's see what it takes to get you to marry me"

When she says:

"I am on a diet"

She means:

"Compliment me on my gorgous body, you fool"